


My Life's Best Part

by howitfeelstoloveagirl



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23338921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howitfeelstoloveagirl/pseuds/howitfeelstoloveagirl
Summary: Connie and Daryl find each other after the Whisperers war. After time apart, they’ve both been thinking a lot about what they mean to each other. They confess their feelings and begin to move forward together- but it’s not going to be easy.Canon until 10x13. The title is inspired by the song “you” by Keaton Henson, specifically the lyric “If you must die, die knowing your life was my life’s best part”. Connie and Daryl POV.
Relationships: Connie/Daryl Dixon
Comments: 12
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Connie  
**

Connie had never felt so alone before. Some days it felt like she was the only person left in the world. There were times when she found her eyes frantically searching her surroundings, desperate to find a squirrel, a bird, a bug… anything that could look at her as if to say “you’re not alone. I’m here too”. She didn’t know how long it had been since she’d lost Magna. Weeks, maybe? The sun kept rising and setting but every evening she watched it set alone. Was she going the right way? Was she getting closer to her family, or farther away? Would she ever see them again? 

She thought of Kelly, her baby sister who she loved more than anything in this world. She could close her eyes and see the way her sister’s eyes shone when she laughed, the way her smile lit up her whole face. She clung to these memories now more than ever, but would memories be all she had of her sister? She thought of her friends- no, her family- Magna, Miko, Luke… they had been through hell together and she loved each of them like they were blood. And then there was Daryl… her stomach tightened when she thought of him. She had so much she wanted to say to him, so much she needed to say. Would she ever get the chance? 

_Don’t think like that,_ she told herself sternly. She lay down in the grass, feeling it tickle her skin, and stared up at the setting sun. She was alive. Her family was alive. They had made it back to Hilltop. And so would she. 

**Daryl**

They had won. Alpha was dead. It was over. Well, it was over for now. There were still threats out there. Hell, there would always be threats out there. But for now they’d found a little pocket of calm, a moment of peace. Well, most of them had. 

“Uncle Daryl?” Judith called from the stairs. “Are you coming outside? We’ve got a lot of food, and Luke says there’s going to be an unmissable musical performance”. She added, laughing. 

“Nah, not now” Daryl called back. “Got some stuff to take care of…” 

Judith appeared in the doorway, giving him a questioning look. “What stuff?” 

“Adult stuff” He said, “Boring stuff. Nothin you wanna be doin, I promise”. 

Judith still looked unconvinced. 

“How about you go have fun with your friends, and later you can give me the full rundown of this concert of the century. I’ll be out soon, kay?” 

“Kay, on it” She smiled. 

"And look out for-” 

“-My brother. Yeah, on that too” She smirked, and headed back upstairs. 

Daryl didn’t know why he wasn’t going out with others. He was goddamn starving after all… But celebrating just didn’t seem right. Not when one of them was still out there, alone. He remembered when he’d found himself all alone after Beth had been taken. It felt like the world had crashed down around him. If he hadn’t found Rick, Carl, and Michonne… well, he didn’t know what he’d have done. It crushed him that Connie might be feeling that same way. 

Connie was alive. He was firm on that. She was alive, and she was alone. He knew she could take care of herself. She was tough as nails, and definitely smarter than he was. But as tough as you are, as smart as you are… no one was meant to be alone. She was his friend, and he would go find her. Tomorrow, he vowed to himself. Tomorrow he would find his friend. 

_Friend?_ asked the little voice inside him. He tried to push that thought away. In truth, he didn’t know what he felt for Connie. It was stronger than anything he’d felt before, and that scared the hell out of him. He thought about her constantly. Her smile, her quick wit, how natural she was with that slingshot, how peaceful he felt when he was with her. He wanted to be around her all the time, and when he was around her he wanted to be even closer. 

_Stop that,_ he thought harshly. _It’s not like that. She’s your friend, that’s it._

Daryl had never really had a “more than a friend” before. Hell, before all this he’d barely even had any friends, unless you count Merle, which he didn’t. Yeah, he’d been with girls before. When they were young Merle had acted like his life depended on his ability to get Daryl laid. And so Daryl had gone alone with what his brother wanted, even if it was desperately not what he’d wanted. He wasn’t a virgin. But he’d never done it sober. He didn’t know if he could do it sober, and that scared him more than anything. 

“Don’t be a fucking pussy”, Merle would say to him. “It happened years ago, you need to get over it. You can’t be crying about what Daddy did to you forever”. 

_Don’t think about that!_ He told himself sharply. He could feel his eyes stinging and he rubbed them roughly. Here he was, a grown ass man crying about something that happened when he was a kid. Even if Connie did like him like that, which she didn’t, she deserves better than someone like him. He’s damaged. Hell, he’s a fucking pussy. It’s better off for him and everyone else if he just keeps going like he’s going. 

He could hear joyful laughing from outside. It seemed like the entirety of Alexandria and Hilltop was outside celebrating. What the hell was he doing crying in the basement? If tomorrow he was going out to find Connie, if this was gunna be his last night here for a while, then he was gunna make it a good one. Spend it with his niece and nephew, not alone with his thoughts. He’d spent enough nights alone with his thoughts for a lifetime. 

He stood up and Dog came trotting over to him. He knows Dog misses Connie too. He saw him looking around hopefully for her when they’d arrived at Hilltop. Every time someone had walked through the gates Dog’s ears had perked up, only to deflate when he saw it wasn’t her. Daryl knew what Dog had been feeling, cause he’d been feeling the same thing. 

“Tomorrow,” he told him. “Tomorrow we’ll bring her home”. 

**Connie**

_I know this place!_ Connie thought excitedly as she looked around at the familiar place. There was the stream she’d fetched water from! These were the trees she’d hidden behind as her and Daryl had tracked that deer! She felt a rush of emotion and she dropped to her knees. Her face broke into the first true smile she’d had in weeks. She could have screamed with joy, but she didn’t want to alert any walkers. She finally knew where she was. She was coming home.

She could have ran home, her feet certainly wanted to. But she was weak, she’d barely been eating, and she knew it best to go slow. _Home will still be there no matter when you get there,_ she told herself. 

But as she reached the top of the hill and raised her head eagerly, expecting to see the strong walls of her bustling community, what she saw instead shocked her to her core. 

It’s gone. She thought, her mind barely seeming to process what she was seeing. The strong walls were charred stubs. The grand house was no more than a black frame. The gardens, the cabins, they were all gone. Most notedly, it was empty. There was not a soul in sight. 

_They’re all gone._

Where the hell were they? Connie started frantically stumbling down the hill. She felt numb, her mind felt blank. Kelly. Miko. Luke. Magna. Daryl. Had they gotten out? Was this the whisperers? Had Alpha burned her home to the ground, and all her friends with it? 

_No, _she told herself. They’d have gotten out, she knows they would have. Hilltop was smart, the people there were resourceful. And they were fighters. They would have fought their hardest. But what if they lost?__

__Connie tried not to look too closely at the burned bodies that littered the ground. They were burnt to a crisp, impossible to tell who it was. But she couldn’t help but search their faces for any trace of her friends._ _ _They could be whisperers,_ she told herself, _or a part of Alpha’s horde._ _Or they could be your friends,_ said a smaller voice. Tears started falling freely down her face and she didn’t even bother to wipe them away. 

Connie stopped when she got to the front gates. Well, what was left of the front gates. There was nothing physically keeping her from going inside. The walls were down, she could just walk right on in. But she found herself unable to move. She stood there, staring at the first place she had truly felt at home in a very long time. The joy she had felt not long ago had evaporated and been replaced with despair. She felt like her insides were sinking, like she was sinking farther and farther down until she didn’t exist anymore. What was she if she had nobody? She thought of that old saying “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”. If she’s here but there’s nobody around to see her, is she truly alive? 

Connie doesn’t know how long she stood there. Minutes, hours… time didn’t seem to exist in that moment. She saw the faces of her friends and family flash before her. She couldn’t give up on them. She knows they’d never give up on her. Maybe they’d gone to Oceanside, or Alexandria? Maybe they were waiting for her. 

She suddenly became aware of how thirsty she was. She should have stopped for water at the stream. Her stomach clenched with hunger. When was the last time she ate? When was the last time she slept? She started making a plan. She’d sit down for a bit and get some rest, then she’d go see what she could find inside Hilltop. There must be something left to eat. Then she’d climb the hill again and find the stream. She’d get some sleep tonight and tomorrow she’d head towards Alexandria. She wasn’t going to give up. Even if she was the last person left on this earth, she wasn’t ever going to give up. 

**Daryl**

The sun was setting as he rode up the path to Hilltop. Well, what was left of Hilltop. He knows it was just a place, just some buildings, but he couldn’t help but feel miserable as he looked at what was left of the community that had meant so much to him. He had so many memories here, good and bad. 

This was where he’d met Lydia. Where he’d met Connie. He thought of his friends Jesus and Tara, who’d given so much of themselves to this place. He thought of Maggie, who he yearned to see again. This was where Glenn and Abraham were buried. Would he even be able to find their graves now? Tears pricked at his eyes but he blinked them away. No, he was on a mission now. He couldn’t afford to get emotional. He needed to find Connie, and he would start with Hilltop. If Connie was coming home, she would come home to Hilltop. Maybe he could write something for her, and leave it on the fence. Something written in code so that a stranger, or a whisperer, wouldn’t know what he meant. 

_It’s not like they don’t all know everyone went to Alexandria._ He thought bitterly. Hell, Beta had even gotten inside Alexandria not long ago. He felt a sudden twinge of guilt for having left. He should have stayed. Judith and RJ are there, and Coco and Jerry’s children. His friends were there. He should have stayed to protect them. 

_No,_ he told himself. _You have to find Connie. She’s your friend too._

He comforted himself knowing that Alexandria was filled with skilled and loyal fighters. Aaron was there. Rosita, Ezekiel, Carol. Hell, even Eugene had become a fighter. Alexandria would be okay. He would join them when he could walk through those gates with Connie. 

As he started down the winding path to Hilltop, he could see the figure of someone standing by the gates. As he got closer, the figure turned and looked at him. His heart skipped a beat. Connie. She was alive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl and Connie reunite and spend some time together, alone.

**Connie  
**

As she stood at the gates of Hilltop willing herself to go inside, Connie started to feel the ground trembling beneath her feet. She whipped around, quickly pulling her knife from her waistband. Her first thought was of Alpha’s horde. They were coming back for her.

Connie gripped the knife so tightly that her nails dug into her palm. She wished she had a slingshot, a bow, or a damn gun. But as she squinted at the path ahead of her, her grip loosened and the knife fell to the ground beneath her. The trembling ground wasn’t caused by a horde of walkers, but by a motorbike roaring down the path towards her, dirt flying into the sky.

Connie found her feet moving quickly down the path like they had a mind of their own. The setting sun felt warm on her skin. Why had she not noticed that before? The motorbike stopped and the rider jumped off, his shaggy brown hair falling in his eyes. Daryl.

He raised his rough hand to his forehead. _“Hey”_ he signed. His eyes crinkled as his face broke into a wide smile.

Without thinking, Connie raced forward, throwing her arms around his strong frame. She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. She smelt campfire, and wet dog. She laughed, her face pressed into his shirt. She could feel his heart beating fast like a drum, matching her own. Tentatively he wrapped his arms around her. He was gentle, but strong. Connie felt safe, safer than she’d felt in a very long time. For a moment, or perhaps an eternity, they stood there intertwined in each other's arms, their hearts beating as one.

Suddenly Daryl pulled away, turning around with his hand on his bow. Connie squinted at the trees ahead of them but didn’t see anything. She put her hand on his arm, gently turning him towards her.

 _“What is it?”_ she signed frantically. _”What do you hear?”_

 _”Not sure”_ he signed, and gestured to the woods to the left of them. _“An animal, probably”._

She looked at him and knew they were thinking the same thing. Probably an animal, but maybe not.

 _”We should go.”_ She suddenly felt very exposed where they were, without the strong walls of Hilltop to hide them. Connie motioned towards the woods to their right, away from the ominous sound. Daryl nodded in agreement, and started pushing his motorbike towards the sheltered safety of the forest. It was getting dark, they should find somewhere to make camp before heading back tomorrow. But back where?

 _”Where did you come from?”_ Connie asked. _”Did Magna make it back? And Kelly- is Kelly okay?”._ She was worried that in her desperation she was signing too fast. She started to reach for her notepad, but Daryl stopped her.

“Nah, I got it,” he said. He gave her a quick thumbs up. _”Magna’s back. Kelly’s okay. Everyone’s at Alexandria”_. He paused for a moment, then reached for the notepad, scrawling something quickly.

_Alpha’s dead. It’s over._

Connie felt relief flooding through her. But that feeling quickly evaporated when she thought of a day last year when another threat had nearly taken their lives.

_”Beta?”_

Daryl bit his lip and shook his head. _”Still out there”_ , he signed.

Connie took the notepad from his hands, crossing out what he’d written and writing something new underneath. She handed it back to him,

_Then it’s NOT over._

When they reached a safe, well hopefully safe, place in the woods, they started to make camp. Daryl had pulled some bread and water from his bag and handed it to Connie, instructing her to sit and eat while he created a perimeter out of old cans and rope. She was too exhausted to protest. When he was done, he sat next to Connie, their arms brushing against each other.

Using a mixture of signing and writing, Daryl and Connie filled each other in on the past few weeks. Connie described how she and Magna had managed to find their way out of the cave, and how they’d gotten separated making their way through the horde. Connie told him how alone she had felt, and how she had nearly lost hope of ever seeing her family again.

Connie surprised herself with how much of her fears and anxieties she was sharing with him. With Kelly, she felt like she had to be the strong one. The fearless one. She was the big sister, it was her job to remain calm and positive. But now she was sharing a side of herself that she hadn’t shared with anyone. She wasn’t even aware it was happening. Her hands seemed to form the signs before her mind had even decided what to say.

Daryl told her about the fight at Hilltop, and how Negan had helped Carol to take down Alpha. She could see the discomfort on his face as he described this. Connie didn’t know the full extent of what happened with Negan all those years ago, but she knew he had put Daryl through hell, and that wasn’t something she could forgive.

 _”I don’t know if I can forgive her”._ Daryl signed. Connie knew he was talking about Carol. He put his face in his hands, running his hands through his long hair.

Connie reached over, gently cupping his face in her hands. Daryl turned to look at her, his soft blue eyes meeting her own fierce brown ones.

 _”You don’t have to,”_ she signed fiercely. _”Not until you’re ready”_. He nodded slowly, looking down at the ground.

She took his hand in hers. His skin felt rough against her soft hands. She squeezed his hand, trying to communicate all the feelings she didn’t know how to put into words. After a moment, he squeezed back just as hard. They sat like that for a long time, their fingers intertwined so that his body felt like an extension of hers.

As Connie stared up at the sky, a black crow landed on a branch above her. Connie stared up at it, and it stared back at her.

 _I’m alive_ , she thought.

She looked over at Daryl, who’d fallen asleep next to her, and watched his chest rise and fall.

_We’re alive._

**Daryl  
**

They woke up early the next morning, eager to get a move on as soon as the sun began to rise. Daryl knew Connie was anxious to get back to the others. Hell, he was too. He didn’t like to leave Judith and RJ for long, especially since Michonne wasn’t there either. But he didn’t want to come home empty handed neither. Especially since they’d lost so much at Hilltop. If he could bring home a buck or something… Well, he knew it would definitely lift some spirits.

 _”We should do some hunting,_ ” he signed to Connie as they packed up camp. _“Just a little”._ Connie nodded in agreement.

Daryl gathered some branches and leaves to throw over his bike. When he was done, he stood back and surveyed his work. Connie burst out laughing. It was definitely not the most conspicuous hiding place. Did the massive pile actually draw more attention…?

 _”We won’t go far”_ Connie laughed.

Daryl had done a bit of hunting with Connie before, but he’d never really let her take the lead. He handed her his bow, giving her the full rundown on how to use it, and most importantly how not to break it. She could see her rolling her eyes. As he showed her some tricks, he was surprised and impressed at how quickly she caught on.

 _”You’ve done this before”_ he signed.

She nodded, smirking. _”You’re not the only one who had to eat these past ten years”._

“Fair enough” he smiled, feeling a bit abashed. He paused, then signed, _”you have the makings of a good hunter… you’re quiet”._

Connie shoved him playfully. Whereas usually a touch would make him recoil, he found himself leaning into hers. What was going on with him?

Daryl saw a rabbit up ahead. It wasn’t much, but it was sure as hell something. He locked eyes with Connie and motioned towards them. She raised his bow and aimed. The arrow caught the rabbit right in the eye. A perfect shot. She gave a little curtsy, her smile lighting up her face. She looked very pleased with herself. Daryl clapped as he laughed. He had to admit he was impressed.

An hour later they’d found a couple more rabbits and a few squirrels. Better than nothing, he thought. He hated going back empty handed. Of course, he thought to himself, going back with Connie would definitely beat some damn squirrels. He couldn’t wait to see their faces when they saw her again- especially Kelly.

 _”You’re used to being the teacher, huh?”_ Connie signed, gesturing to the bow.

Daryl nodded. Yeah, he’d taught a good dozen of his friends how to hunt, Rick included. He smiled to himself remembering how loud and heavy footed Rick had been when they’d first gone hunting together all those years ago.

“Man, you need to shut the hell up” he’d said.

“But I’m not saying a word” Rick had replied, perplexed.

Daryl thought of teaching Glenn to hunt. Now there was something who was just never gonna be a hunter, he laughed. Connie looked at him quizzically.

“I had this friend”, he said, signing as he spoke. “Uh- Glenn”. He signed out the letters of his name. Connie nodded knowingly, no doubt she’d heard of Glenn before.

“Loud as can be” he said, really emphasizing the sign for loud as Connie laughed. “Some people just can’t be quiet for the life of ‘em. Glenn was like that, always had something to say. Some smart ass comment”. He jotted down _smart ass comment_ in the notepad. Connie smiled, nodding.

 _“I knew someone like that, my boyfriend”_ she signed. _“M-A-R-K”_

 _”When it all started, it was me, Kelly, and Mark. We grabbed some camping gear and headed to the woods outside of the city”._ She scrawled _Chicago_ on the notepad.

Daryl nodded. _”A city girl, fancy”_. Connie rolled her eyes.

 _”He grew up on the north side. Big house and everything. Never had to rough it a day in his life. He considered roughing it to be staying at a motel instead of a hotel”_.

 _”We might not have gotten on then”_ , Daryl smirked.

 _”He was always singing. Of course, I couldn’t hear it, but the walkers certainly could. The animals could. And his feet were like dump trucks crashing through the forest. Even the tiniest creature could feel those vibrations. I used to hate it. Made it impossible to hunt”_.

Daryl smiled, thinking of when he’d taught Beth to hunt. “There ain’t no singing in hunting” he said, just like he’d said to Beth all those years ago.

Connie sighed, her brown eyes staring ahead lost in thought. _”I miss him. I used to bug him to be quiet. I’d tell him I’d rather hunt alone…. Now, I would give anything to hunt with him just one more time”_. Connie looked away sadly.

Daryl thought about Beth. She had always been singing too, and though he had liked to listen to her sing he never admitted it. He remembered yelling at her about it that day in the cabin. That was one of their last days together, and he’d said some horrible things to her. He hoped if she was still around somewhere, if this heaven thing was real… Well, he hoped that’s not what she remembered when she thought of him.

Beth was someone he held very close to his heart. She was one of the only people he’d ever really opened up to. She’d really made a lasting impact on him. He gave him the kick in the butt he’d needed to really start tryin’. She knew if she was here she’d be encouraging him to go after Connie. He could practically hear her asking what the hell was holding him back?

Connie had lost someone too. Hell, she’d lost a lot of people. They all had, everyone who had made it this far. That was part of life these days- losin’ people. But did that have to mean you don’t get close to people?

He thought of Beth, and Connie’s Mark, singing even as the world crumbled around them. Maybe they could learn somethin’ from people like that. He looked over at Connie and saw she was wiping tears from her eyes.

“Hey”, he said, stopping. He paused, and then reached out for her hand. They were so close he could see the tears clinging to her eyelashes. She smiled sadly at him. Daryl felt guilty for thinking it, but in that moment she looked truly beautiful.

He let go of her hand, signing _”I’m glad I met you”_.

Connie stepped forward. They were so close they were almost touching. She reached up and brushed his hair from his face. Daryl could feel his heart beating so fast he thought it was going to explode out of his chest. He leaned forward, his face inches from hers. And for the first time in his life, he kissed a girl.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve planned five chapters for this, and I hope to have it finished this week during isolation lol!  
> Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about motorcycles!

**Daryl  
**

For a moment they stood there, their bodies intertwined. Connie’s lips felt warm and soft against his. He felt peaceful, happy.

Her hands started to creep up his shirt, her nails gently piercing his skin- and suddenly, it wasn’t Connie in front of him. It was someone else. Someone whose hands weren’t so gentle, whose touch wasn’t so welcoming.

Daryl jumped back like he’d been electrocuted. He looked at Connie for a brief moment. He could see the concern in her eyes, the hurt. He looked away quickly, his heart hammering fast. What the hell was wrong with him? He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to feel her touch. Why the hell couldn’t he just be normal?

Connie had moved right in front of him so that he had no choice but to look up at her.

 _”What’s wrong?”_ she signed. _”Did you hear something?”_

Daryl just shook his head, ashamed. Nah, he didn’t hear nothin. Didn’t see nothin. There was no threat out there, no real reason to have jumped back so abruptly. He felt like such a pussy. He could practically hear Merle laughing at him. There was no way Daryl could tell Connie what was really wrong. What would she think of him?

 _”Let’s go back.”_ Daryl signed without looking at her. He hurriedly started pulling the branches off of his bike, his mind buzzing. He could feel Connie’s eyes boring into his back. He knew she was concerned about him. And he fucking hated that.

Connie appeared next to him, tugging at the branches covering the bike.

“I got it.” he said.

She didn’t move, she just kept pulling at the branches.

“I said I fucking got it!” he snapped harshly. Connie looked at him, confused and hurt. Slowly, she stepped back. He turned his back on her, unable to meet her eyes.

Daryl felt a twinge of guilt but he pushed that feeling aside. He didn’t have time to feel bad for no one. Why the hell did he kiss her? What was he thinking? Hadn’t he decided a long time ago that he was better off being alone? Didn’t this prove exactly that?

And what was she playing at, looking at him with such concern. He didn’t need her pity, and he certainly didn’t need her. He was perfectly fine taking care of himself, always had been. He could see her trying to sign something to him, could see her writing something on her notepad. He brushed it away. He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to look at her. He felt tears prickle at his eyes. He blinked them away quickly, wishing he could be alone.

“Hop on” he said, patting the seat behind him all the while avoiding her eyes. Connie got on, tentatively wrapping her arms around him. He noticed that her grip was purposefully loose and her arms were barely touching him. Did she know why he had freaked out? Was she trying to protect him? The thought made him nauseous. He fucking hated it.

He revved the engine, and the motorbike took off down the winding road to Alexandria. He couldn’t help but feel aware of how her body was pressed tight against his own. He shifted uncomfortably, memories flooding his thoughts.

 _Don’t think about that_ , he told himself harshly.

He stared straight ahead, trying to keep his mind fully concentrated on the road ahead of him.

It wasn’t working. Memories from his past were banging at the doors, threatening to push their way in. He pushed hard on the accelerator.

Clutch, brake line, rotor, fender, brake lever, throttle, muffler… He found himself naming the parts of a motorcycle over and over just like he did when he was a kid hiding alone in the corner of his closet.

**Connie  
**

When they rolled through the gates of Alexandria, Daryl stopped the bike and jumped off like it might blow up at any moment. She could see him muttering something to a concerned looking Aaron as he hurried by him without stopping.

Connie didn’t have long to think about it, however, when she found herself being pulled into one hug after another. Aaron was there, and Rosita, Gabriel, Miko, Magna, Luke… She felt overcome with emotion, surrounded by all her friends, no, her family.

 _”Come with me,”_ Miko smiled, taking her hand. _”Just wait till Kelly sees you”_.

They’d barely taken two steps when Connie saw Kelly running down the street towards her, grinning widely. Connie’s whole body flooded with relief. She hadn’t even realized how large of a weight of anxiety she’d been carrying until she was wrapping her baby sister tightly in her arms as though she’d never again let go. She could feel Kelly’s body shaking in her arms, feel her warm tears on her shoulder. Kelly squeezed her tight, and Connie returned the pressure.

 _I’m so sorry,_ she thought. _I’m so sorry I left you_.

Connie headed back with Kelly and Miko to the house they were staying in. As they walked, Miko and Kelly told her about what had happened since the cave. It hurt her to think of her baby sister fighting the Whisperers without Connie by her side. She should have been there to watch out for her. She should have been there to keep her safe. She thanked every single God out there that nothing had happened to Kelly. She doesn’t think she’d have been able to live with herself. She wasn’t there for Mark when he had needed her. She had to be there for Kelly.

When they arrived back to the house, Connie hurried to the bathroom, desperate to both be clean for the first time in weeks, and to have a moment alone. She laughed to herself, thinking of how just a day ago she would have given anything to have some company, yet here she was seeking solitude after just a few minutes with her family.

As she stepped into the shower and warm water poured over her body, she thought back to the woods this morning. When Daryl had kissed her, she’d felt more alive than she’d felt in years. A warmth had spread through her entire body. She’d felt happy, truly happy.

But that joy had lasted only a moment. As soon as he pulled away, Connie had felt guilt flooding through her. Whatever demons Daryl was fighting, she was fighting demons of her own. How could she do this to Mark. How could she take another man… how could she have these feelings for another man. He was supposed to be her forever, isn’t that what they’d always said? Forever didn’t end just because one of them died…

Tears started pouring down her face as she thought about Mark. They were high school sweethearts, they’d been together for ten years. They went through everything together. He was there for her through her parent’s divorce, through her mom’s cancer, through their miscarriages. They’d suffered so much together, both before and after this all started. He hadn’t been a fighter, but he’d never backed down from a fight. He’d always been right there next to Connie, willing to give up everything for her. It had always been Connie and Mark, Mark and Connie. It was like they were two halves of the same person. And when he died, it was like a part of her was gone. He’d been the love of her love… hadn’t he? So what was her mind playing at, having these thoughts about Daryl?

It felt like an insult to his memory to be kissing anyone else… But what she felt most guilty about was the fact that she couldn’t say the kiss hadn’t meant anything. That she hadn’t wanted it. That she didn’t still want it.

 _You liked it_ , she told herself. _You like him_.

She’d been trying to suppress her feelings for Daryl for a long time now. But her feelings kept creeping up on her. When she’d seen him standing there last night, it was like her heart was whole again. She hadn’t felt this way since… Well, she hadn’t felt this way since Mark.

 _Mark would want you to be happy_ , she told herself.

 _But would he want this?_ said a smaller voice.

**Daryl  
**

Daryl splashed water on his face, the coolness of it relaxing his body and his mind. He took a deep breath. He needed to stop being such a baby. He had shit to do, he couldn’t stand here crying in his kitchen forever. He had to go get Judith and RJ from Rosita and fix them something for dinner. Something other than KD, which is all RJ seemed to want these days. He thought back to the days where they’d been lucky to eat a possum, or even a damn snake. He smiled to himself picturing RJ’s face if he tried to put a snake on his dinner plate.

He could hear someone rapping loudly at the door. He sighed, he’d been expecting this.

“Daryl?” Aaron called to no surprise of Daryl’s. “I know you’re in there, I saw you go in the door thirty damn seconds ago!”

Daryl rolled his eyes and flung open the door.

“What?”

“What do you mean, ‘what’? What’s going on with you?” Aaron pushed past Daryl into the house. Daryl sighed and shut the door behind him, following Aaron into the kitchen.

Aaron went straight for the fridge, pulling out a couple beers and handing one to Daryl. Daryl almost laughed.

“It ain’t nothin’” Daryl grunted, taking a swig of beer. “I told you, I had to piss”.

Aaron surveyed him suspiciously, not saying anything. Daryl knew Aaron was smart, and he was straight forward. There was no lying to him, no bullshitting him. Aaron always had a way to cut through the bullshit and get right to the truth. Daryl hated him for it, but a part of him was grateful. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he knew he probably should. He’d spent way too many years not talking about this shit, and it hadn’t exactly worked out well for him, had it?

“I kissed Connie” Daryl blurted out before he could stop himself.

Aaron paused for a moment, his eyes softening. “Can’t say I didn’t see that coming,” he smiled.

Daryl’s brow furrowed. First Carol, now Aaron. Why did everyone act like this was so fucking obvious? It was like they’d all figured out his feelings before he had.

“So I’m guessing something else happened after that?” Aaron asked softly.

“Why the hell do you think that?” Daryl snapped, turning away from Aaron as he pretended to be suddenly very interested in the bowl of fruit on the counter.

“Well, you practically flung yourself off that bike and sprinted away from her. And don’t tell me it was cause you had to piss”. Aaron’s words were hard but his tone was soft. He approached Daryl so that they were standing side by side.

Daryl didn’t say anything, his eyes firmly set on the bowl of fruit. In truth, nothing else had happened, and that was what he was so ashamed about. A fucking kiss had made him freak the hell out like a little kid. He struggled to find the words to explain this without sounding like an idiot.

“I guess,” Daryl began slowly. “I guess I had a sorta flashback. When it was happening”.

“The kiss?”

“Uh-huh”.

“A flashback to what?” Aaron asked quietly. Daryl could tell Aaron had an idea where he was going with this. He was sure his friends had their suspicions about him, about what he’d been through. They’d all seen the scars, after all.

“To my Dad”. Daryl looked up at Aaron, meeting his eyes. He tried to communicate as much as he could with that look. He didn’t want to have to fucking say it out loud.

Whatever Aaron was thinking, he kept it hidden under a cool mask. He nodded slowly, processing what Daryl had said.

Daryl started to panic. What if Aaron thought he was disgusting? Or worse- what if he thought he was pathetic? He was a grown ass man, telling his friend he can’t kiss a girl because of something his Dad did thirty fucking years ago?

Maybe Aaron could sense Daryl’s panic, because he placed a gentle hand on his arm.

“It’s okay,” Aaron said. “We can figure this out”.

“I ain’t ever figured it out and it’s been fucking years!” Daryl hated that tears were welling up in his eyes. How many damned times was he gonna cry today?

“I think,” Aaron said slowly, “I think you need to talk to Connie. Tell her what you’ve told me… Well, maybe using a few more words,” he added jokingly, and Daryl smiled. “Connie will understand. It won’t be the end for you guys. But if you ignore her, if you ignore this… then it will be the end. Talk to her”.

Yeah, ‘talk about it’. It’s not like he didn’t know that’s what he had to do. But talking was never something he’d been very good at. Sometimes he felt like he’d rather go up against a horde of walkers than talk about his feelings. He was good at fighting, he knew what he was doing there. He was shit at talking.

Daryl thought of Beth. “You got out,” she’d told him. Yeah, he’d got out. But sometimes it felt like a part of him was still trapped in that house, still hiding in the closet when his Dad came home. Would he ever be able to truly escape that house?

_You can try _.  
__

Daryl looked up at Aaron and nodded. Aaron let out a sigh of relief and pulled him into a hug. Had he been worried Daryl was gonna deck him? Daryl smiled at the thought. Aaron’s metal arm dug into his side and it reminded him of his brother. But hey, at least he didn’t have the spikes attached today.

 _I’ll try_ , Daryl thought to himself. _I will_.

Connie was worth it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl invites Connie over for dinner.

**Daryl  
**

Daryl shifted anxiously as he knocked on Connie’s door. For a split second, he thought about turning back down the steps before anyone saw him.

 _I could dash into those bushes_ , he thought. _It would be real quick_.

He heard footsteps approaching the door and he realized how ridiculous he was being. These were his friends, and he was not fourteen years old. He could practically hear Merle telling him to grow a fucking pair.

Daryl felt as nervous and out of place as he’d felt when they’d first arrived in Alexandria all those years ago. He was a leader now, an uncle. He had friends here, friends who respected him, friends who looked to him for guidance. But he couldn’t help but feel that no matter how hard he tried to convince himself and everyone else otherwise, that on the inside he was still that scared little boy.

The door handle clicked and Daryl’s heart sped up. What the hell was he going to say to her? Damnit, he should’ve prepared something. His mouth felt dry, his palms sweaty.

The door opened and Yumiko smiled at him. This relaxed Daryl for a second, until he thought about what the hell Connie may have told her about what happened. He felt the pit in his stomach growing. Coming here was a bad idea.

“Here for Connie?” Yumiko asked casually.

“Uh,” Daryl stammered. “Yeah”.

“Come in, I’ll go grab her”.

“Uh, alright”. Daryl walked through the door tentatively.

Daryl looked around the room as Yumiko disappeared upstairs. The place was a mess. There were books, papers, and dishes littering every surface, and even some on the floor. He briefly wondered who the messy one was- Yumiko? Kelly? Luke? He had always thought Connie would be a fairly neat person, like himself. He found his mind wandering, imagining a place he and Connie could share together.

He laughed to himself. Before they could get a fucking house he had to be able to talk to her without almost running into the bushes.

Daryl heard footsteps approaching and turned to see Connie smiling at him. She had clearly showered in the past day, something he noted he should do too before tonight. The last time he’d seen her she’d been covered in dirt and blood. Now her skin was clear and glistening, her dark hair curling around her face. Her soft brown eyes stared into his.

“D’youwannacomeo’erfordinner?” He said quickly, signing as he spoke. It was a good thing Connie couldn’t hear him, cause he’s pretty sure that sentence had been fucking impossible to understand.

Connie smiled and Daryl thought maybe she could still tell how nervous he was right now.

 _”Of course”_ she signed, nodding. _”Are you cooking for me?”_

“Uh, yeah”, he nodded. _"Judith and RJ will be there too… is that okay?”_

Connie’s smile widened. _"I’d love that”_.

Daryl felt the knot in his stomach loosen. He couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. He told her he’d have dinner ready by 6:00 and she agreed to come over just before. As he walked down the steps and back towards his house, he couldn’t help but smile widely. God, he must look like a fucking moron right now.

The only problem was, now he had to learn to cook by 6:00, and something told him Connie would be expecting more than roasted possum.

Oh, and he’d need to take a fucking shower, too.

**Connie  
**

Connie stood on Daryl’s front porch at 5:45 feeling only slightly like she wanted to throw up. She felt like she was sixteen years old, waiting for her date to take her to junior prom. To be honest, she’d spent nearly as long getting ready for tonight as she had for prom, which was a little ridiculous seeing as she was only wearing jeans and a tank top. She’d stared at her small collection of clothes for ages this afternoon thinking ‘what on earth do you wear on a date with Daryl Dixon’?

She realized she’d been standing there for a good couple minutes and had yet to knock on the door. Blushing, she tapped quickly on the door.

Daryl answered the door within seconds, a dishcloth in his hands. She noticed he’d showered since his morning. His damp hair stuck to his face, his bangs falling in his eyes like always. He’d changed his clothes, too. For once he wasn’t wearing that same black shirt that Connie very badly wanted to throw away when he wasn’t looking. He was wearing a gray t-shirt and black jeans, jeans for once not covered in dirt or grime.

 _”Hey,”_ he signed, motioning for Connie to come in.

Connie followed Daryl into the kitchen where Judith and RJ were setting the table. She could see they were bickering, elbowing each other out of the way. She smiled, thinking of her and her sister when they were young. The world had changed so much, but some things would always be the same.

She was almost knocked to the ground when Dog came running up to her, smashing his head into her legs. She bent down to pet him, nuzzling her face in his fur.

She should feel peaceful, she should feel relaxed, but her insides squirmed uncomfortably as she looked around her. This didn’t feel like her life. Her life was about fighting and surviving. It was dirty and wild, not clean and proper.

Daryl motioned for her to take her place at the table. She could feel herself smiling, feel her body sitting down in the chair, but it was like someone else was controlling her. It was like she was watching the scene from afar, a spectator to someone else’s life.

Daryl started signing to her about the meal. He’d made spaghetti with the help of Judith.  
Connie watched him, but she squirmed guiltily realizing she hadn’t really been paying attention. She felt like a terrible person. He must have put a lot of effort into this, and even more into learning ASL for her, yet here she was unable to focus on him for even a minute? What was wrong with her?

Judith scooped spoonfuls of spaghetti onto Connie’s plate. She looked around at the table. RJ was shoving garlic bread into his face, ignoring Daryl’s requests to slow down. Judith was chatting about school, from what Connie could gather, and how unfair the amount of homework she had was. Dog was resting on the floor beneath RJ, probably the most likely suspect to sneak him food. She could see the way RJ was scowling at the vegetables.

Why did this feel so weird? Dinner inside an actual house, with a man she liked. Children laughing and complaining about homework. A dog waiting under the table to catch any scraps of food that might fall. Eating off a plate with a fork and knife.

Connie stared down at the fork in her hand. This is normal. This is supposed to be normal. But it wasn’t her normal anymore. For years her normal had been running and hiding, dirt and blood, loss and heartache. She felt like an alien masquerading as a woman. Would she ever feel normal again, or would she just be pretending for the rest of her life?

**Daryl  
**

Something was off with Connie. She looked fucking miserable. She hadn’t even had a bite of food yet. Did she hate spaghetti? Had she said this once and he’d completely forgotten? Or, maybe it was him. Maybe she was realizing she’d made a big mistake coming over here. Maybe he was a mistake.

He hesitated, then reached over to touch her arm gently. She looked up at him, a glazed expression on her face, like she wasn’t really there.

 _“What’s wrong?”_ he signed.

 _“Nothing”._ She looked away.

“Uncle Daryl…” RJ whined, pushing his plate away and scowling. “I don’t like the sauce.. There’s stringy stuff that gets stuck in my teeth and it feels like spiders”. Normally Daryl would have laughed at this, but the knot in his stomach was tightening the longer Connie avoided his eyes.

“That’s the zucchini,” Judith rolled her eyes. “And I made it so you better eat it!”

RJ grimaced, pushing his plate further away. “Nuh-uh”, he said. “Uncle Daryl, can I go play?”

“No, eat it,” Daryl snapped. He looked back to Connie, she looked lost in thought. He just wished he knew what she was thinking about.

He reached out again, tapping her arm tentatively. _“Is it me?”_ he blushed, suddenly very glad all Judith knew was a few simple signs. He could feel Judith’s curiosity burning a hole in the floor.

Connie looked startled. She looked up at him quickly, seeming to snap back to reality. _”No!”_ she signed quickly. _“Not at all!”_

She leaned forwards and took his hand in hers, her brown eyes boring into his. Relief flooded through him. It wasn’t him. But then… what was it? Daryl looked at her with concern. He wanted to know what was wrong, what she was feeling, but he didn’t want to push her. God knows he hates it when people push him to talk about shit he ain’t ready to talk about. Plus, Judith and RJ were right there.

As if she was reading his thoughts, Connie smiled softly and signed _“We’ll talk later”_. She squeezed his hand, her soft fingers pressing softly against his palm.

Suddenly, a loud noise broke them apart. RJ had knocked over his glass of milk and the glass had shattered on the floor.

“Fuck!” RJ exclaimed before quickly clapping his hands over his mouth. Judith burst out laughing.

Daryl felt anger rushing through him as he looked at the glass on the floor. He opened his mouth to yell but quickly closed it again. RJ was looking up at Daryl in fear. Daryl felt his anger slipping away.

He hated the look on RJ’s face, it reminded him of the way Lydia had looked at him. He felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t want these kids to be scared of him. No, he wasn’t going to be that person. He wasn’t going to be like his Dad.

Daryl gave RJ a warning look, but a smile played on his lips. Spilt milk and swearing weren’t the worst things in the world.

**Connie  
**

Connie leaned back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Daryl was upstairs getting the kids ready for bed. RJ had kicked and screamed the entire way up the stairs. Connie couldn’t even imagine how the kids were feeling. They’d lost their father and now their mother was gone too. The not knowing must be killing them. She thought of all the children who were growing up in these times. Most of them had lost a parent, if not both. These children were growing up with the reality that when they get home every night, their parents may not be there.

Connie had never had these kinds of worries as a child. Sure, things weren’t always easy for her growing up. People hadn’t always understood her, and she hadn’t always understood them. She had felt out of place in the world, but never in her own home. She had never doubted that her parents loved her, and she’d never once thought that they wouldn’t always be there for her.

Would she bring a child into this world, if she had the choice? Years and years ago she and Mark had tried for a child. There was a time in her life where a baby was the only thing she ever thought about, the only thing she wanted. Was it maybe a blessing they’d never been able to have one…?

But as Connie looked around Michonne’s living room, at the piles of books and toys, at the children’s artwork hanging on the walls… Connie wondered if it was selfish to still crave a family even in these times. She didn’t even know if she could have a baby… But if she could, would she want one?

What did she want for her future? Truthfully, she wanted a home. She wanted a family. Even if that family meant her, a husband, and a dog. She thought about the man upstairs. She loved him. She knew she did. And she needed to tell him that…. But first, she had something else she had to tell him. She took out her notepad and her pen and she started to write.

**Daryl  
**

After reading way too many pages of Charlotte’s web in his most boring ‘put a kid to sleep’ kinda voice, RJ had finally dozed off.

Walking into the living room, Daryl saw Connie sitting on the couch waiting for him. He collapsed on the couch next to her and groaned. Kids are fucking exhausting.

 _“Finally asleep?”_ Connie laughed.

 _“They’re stubborn as hell,”_ Daryl signed. _“Like their parents”_ , he smiled.

 _“I wish we could relax and watch TV,”_ Connie sighed. _“I miss TV. I could totally go for an episode of law and order right now”_. She paused, then scribbled _law and order_ on her notepad.

“What?” Daryl laughed. “That crap? Nah”.

He took the notepad and started making his own list. He handed it back to her, smiling smugly.

_  
Ice road truckers, dog the bounty hunter, survivorman._

Connie looked at his list incredulously. She pointed at _survivorman. “This is our life anyways, why would we want to watch this now?”_ she laughed as Daryl shrugged.

Beneath his list, Connie started to scribble her own. Daryl glanced at it as she wrote.

_How I met your mother, friends, the fresh prince_

Daryl rolled his eyes. There was no way he would watch that shit. _“We would need two TVs”_ he joked.

TV. That seemed like a lifetime ago. He thought back to the days before shit hit the fan. He’d spend his days hunting with Merle, or at whatever shit job he had at the time. Then he’d go back to his crappy apartment, drink beer and watch a fuck ton of TV. It felt like someone’s else’s life, someone else’s memories.

He missed TV, but he didn’t miss those days. He’d been alone, and he hadn’t been happy at all. Who would have thought his life would have actually improved since the world went to shit?

Connie flipped the page of her notepad and Daryl could see the page was already filled with tiny, cramped writing. He gulped. They were going to have ‘the talk’.

Daryl sat down next to her, tapping his foot anxiously. What had she written? A list of reasons why she couldn’t be with him? A list of questions about his weird behaviour the other day?

Connie handed him the notepad and he took it with trembling hands, not able to look her in the eyes. As he started to read, she scooched closer to him on the couch so that their legs were touching. The touch sent a warmth through him that calmed his nerves. Whatever the note said, he knew it would be okay.

_Daryl,  
_

_I want to be honest with you, and I wanted to write it down because I don’t want anything to get lost in translation. I’m going to start by saying that I love you and I want to be with you, if that’s what you want too. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel more alive than I’ve felt in years._

_But, I’m not perfect. I feel like I’m haunted by ghosts that I’ll never be rid of. Maybe you feel that way too. I feel like I’ll never be normal again. Earlier during dinner, I didn’t know how to act, what to say. It’s like I was a child playing house. Why does it feel more natural to be out there killing walkers than in here eating dinner at a table?_

_Secondly, I want to tell you about Mark. You already know a bit about him, of course. But I wasn’t fully honest. I was in love with him for years. He was a part of me, he still is a part of me. I’ll carry him with me forever, and I’ll never stop loving him. When me and you kissed, I felt so guilty. I’ve thought about it so much these past few days. But what I’ve come to realize is that loving you doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving him. But if you’re not okay with that, I understand._

_I love you,_

_Connie_

Daryl felt a flurry of emotions rush through him. She liked him. No, she said she _loved_ him. He didn’t care about the rest, nothing else mattered but that. He turned to Connie. She was smiling at him and she had a confident, blazing look on her face.

 _“I love you”_ , he signed.

Connie reached for his hand, but Daryl hesitated. She had been honest with him, now it was time to be honest for her. He reached instead for the notepad and pen.

Daryl clicked the pen and bit his lip anxiously. What the hell was he supposed to write? He suddenly felt very aware of Connie watching him. He put the pen to paper, but the words were not coming.

As if she could read his thoughts, Connie stood up. _“I’ll go make some tea”_ , she smiled and retreated into the kitchen.

He took a deep breath and stared down at the blank page. He had never been any good at writing. And this…. Well, he didn’t know if he could write this down. He’d never really been bothered by the language barrier between Connie and himself. Hell, he’d never really felt like there was any sort of barrier at all between them. But now, he found himself wishing she could hear his words, just this once. It would be a lot easier.

His insides squirmed uncomfortably as he thought about what to do. He’d thought a lot about what to say to her, but not about how to do it. Could she read lips well enough to understand him? But he knew his accent might make that difficult. He probably knows enough signs to get the basic idea across… But would it be enough? Daryl stared into the fireplace, focusing on the rising and falling of the flames as they cackled.

Connie came back ten minutes later with two cups of steaming tea. She handed one to Daryl and he took it gratefully. He was glad to have something to do with his hands. He also couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a cup of tea.

“Tea” he said, frowning as he realized he didn’t know that sign. _“And you said you’d never be normal”_.

Connie laughed as she sat down next to him. She reached for the notepad, but frowned as she realized it was blank. She looked up at him, confused. Daryl was suddenly very focused on taking a long sip from his cup.

 _“I couldn’t write it down,”_ he signed, not meeting her eyes.

Connie nodded, her eyes large with concern.

 _“My childhood wasn’t great. My Dad.... He wasn’t a good person”._ He paused, unsure what to say next.

 _“He hurt you”,_ Connie signed knowingly, and Daryl nodded.

“The other day in the forest..” Daryl began, signing along to his words as best he could. “I wanted to keep kissing you, I did. But when you touched me, I thought of him”.

Daryl stared into the flames, he couldn’t look bare to meet her eyes. He felt ashamed, embarrassed. He wanted to take a sip of tea, just for something to do, but he thought his shaking hands would surely drop the cup.

Slowly, Connie’s warm hand wrapped around his. She handed him the notepad.

_You don’t have to say it, I understand_

He nodded slowly, blinking back tears.

 _“We’ll go slow,”_ Connie signed.

Connie put her arm around him, scribbling something down quickly.

_Is this okay?_

He nodded again, and Connie scooted up closer, resting her head on his shoulder. Tentatively, Daryl wrapped his arm around her too. Her curls tickled his face and he breathed in the scent of her flowery shampoo. The warmth from her body spread through his. For a long while they sat there together, watching the flames, until they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
